I said "NO".. is it really OK?

I should learn to say "NO" without feeling bad.

I should not feel remorse after declining a request for favour or invitation or any of the sorts. Of course, there is valid reason as to why I declined. However, this sickening feeling of remorse is haunting me nevertheless.

By right, I should just ignore it as the person has already affirm that it was ok. But i keep on asking, was it ok? really ok? really really ok? ... Oh my chest hurts......

Whatever! I should just take it as it is... if he says it is ok then it is really ok, right?

Why suddenly...

I feel bad, I feel remorse. Why?

There must be something that pass my thoughts that made my heart feel this remorse.

But what was it? What was it?

I have a secret

Should I tell you? If I don't I'd be keeping it bottled inside me and I'd be miserable. Then again, if I tell you... I'd have no more secrets...

I am miserable.

I cannot let go of this emotions that is like a volcano waiting to erupt anytime. Worried about the mess that it will make.

I am like a caged lion prowling around wanting desperately to escape and pounce on anyone and anything that is on its way.

Right now... I am wishing I could just tell the secret and let go of the emotions. An later, deal with the mess once I am free of the miseries the secret is causing me... After all, like I said before this will soon pass...

Am I ready just yet?

I found an old friend in facebook

Guess what? I have found an old friend in facebook. It has been years since I heard from this guy. 22 years to be exact.

The wonders of technology and facebook, of course. Hope to hear from many more old friends.....

Things I want to do for the rest of my life

The list is non-exhaustive. I will update it from time to time.

Keep fit and healthy.

• Jog at Tmn Bulatan every Wednesday.
• Park far away from office entrance so that I can brisk walk for at least 10 minutes
• Drink a lot of water
• Eat meals on schedule

Hobbies & Interest

• Take a photo a day
• Write a post a day
• Finish reading the books on my shelf

Positivity

• Reduce complaining and thus reduce stress
• Take life positively even it does not seem like it

So much has happened

... this couple of week. I lost a dear friend on 1 July and yesterday my cousin has passed on. Both of them has terminal illnesses and both died at a young age of 30's. Just a moment ago, I received a news from a friend that another friend of early 40's has got a stroke.

Thinking about this, I wondered what has gone wrong? No, I don't question fate. I don't question my faith. I believe that all is in Allah's will. He gives and takes life.

But putting that aside, still I wondered what have we done wrong? Are we too ignorant of our health. Are we trying too much making our lives better, pressuring ourselves beyond limit? Are we worried about things in our life (and the worries could be so petty) that makes us lose control of managing our life? Are we living the wrong lifestyle? ... what? what is it that we did or did not do that makes ourselves suffer the unfortunate events.

Maybe we should worry less and just be happy comes what may as no success is good if we are not healthy or fit to enjoy it.

Ok! lets be happy and be healthy, or vice versa. Hopefully we live longer to enjoy life.

I am just a lost soul

image from redbubble.net

Have you ever wondered what you want out of your life? Or wondered why you need to be successful? Why is success so hype? What is the purpose of living other than living? Why can't we just be?

Right now ... I feel I have not ulterior purpose in my life. Everything seems so stagnant. My job sucks (because I made it suck). My life is in trance. I feel like as if I am a peck of dust particle floating... floating aimlessly in the air.

I question the need to be successful, I question the purpose of being.

I just feel the emptiness inside me and it makes me feel depressed. Despite this... I still hesitate to identify my needs. What do I want to get out of this life? I'm lost.... totally lost.

It does not matter

I was thinking about this: I consider him great friend but wonder if he thinks of me the same way too? Or maybe if he was to know that I think of him that way he might laugh because to him I am just like any other ordinary friend.

It doesn't matter. If you take a person as great friend than a great friend, he is.

But what actually makes a great friend?

A great friend could be :-

• Someone who makes you laugh as if there is no worries in the world.
• Someone who makes you feel very comfortable to be with.
• Someone who makes you feel appreciated.
• Someone who makes you like yourself.
• Someone who is always here, there and everywhere.
• Someone who makes your life worthwhile.

... the list goes on

I have many great friends, even though we are sometimes out of touch but when we do, we know that those "out of touch" times never exists. We can pick up wherever we left off because it does not matter as we are great friends.

To all my friends, thank you for being one.

Do I have a problem?

Everybody has problems: Big, small, important, immaterial. It all depends on you. A big problem to me may be a petty one to you.

Here is an article that gives to tips on How to solve a problem by Henrik Edberg in his "The Positivity Blog".

Now lets see, whether I can use the tips:-

1. Is there a problem here? Yes there is.
2. Do I accept it? Yes I do.
   
3. Have I asked for help? Yes I have but only from one person, I wish I could ask someone else but this problem is a hush-hush problem. Then again, I can always ask second opinion and pretend that this is my friend's problem.
4. Have I found the solution? There is a solution to this problem. But it is not attainable yet. In fact, there are solutions, but other alternative seems to be not attainable too. Anyway, it now leaves me with the 20% complaining and whining, *** poor that guy only he has to listen to me whine.*** I need to find some other solutions then.
5. Did I break the problem down to smaller pieces? It is one BIG piece on its own.
6. Have I found opportunity or lesson learned from the problem? Yes I found the opportunity and be hold! there is indeed 1 BIG lesson learned. Never succumb to something that you know you can not handle but out of egoistic instinct that you can do it, you did it and now you are in deep trouble!

No matter what your problems are, they will soon pass. This I believe.

It may seem a big deal now, but once it is over, you may have the last laugh. I am sure you have come across bigger problems in life but treat the problems you are having now a little petty than the ones before, you will be ok. Or may be think about other peoples' problem. Yours may be just a speck of tiny winy dirt.

Lost and In Loving Memory

I lost a friend less than a couple week ago. It was indeed a big lost to me and his other friends too especially his family.

I just couldn't bring myself to write about him soon after his demise. Not that there is nothing to write about, there are lots and I feel I don't want to miss any of the details that has made up great memories about him.

One of the thing that I remember most about him was his smile - a flashy smile of straight white teeth just like the smile of Columbus Short.

He was a playful guy, I'm sure everybody would acknowledge that. We even nicknamed him poret which means "keypoh" (busy body). Sure enough, he was "keypoh" in his cute way.

He was kindhearted and sensitive though would not show it as it would effect his "macho" self. But I know way down inside he was a sensitive guy. He was also, i guess, "anak emak" being the youngest in the family. But one thing for sure he was "adik manja kakak".

There was one thing that we wanted to do together.. that was to eat at "All You Can Eat Buffet" at Holiday Inn, Kuching. But we had to postpone it due to his health condition. We settled with the rojak kucei and he had to eat without the chicken.

I still remember, the first lunch that we had at The Elephant. He had .. what was it? .. chicken chop and I had steak and we had to eat up the big potion and my half bit was passed to him as I could not muster it any longer. While we were eating, he kept on staring at the other table. There sat a Malay girl and her friends. In short I would describe her as "Perempuan Melayu Terakhir". From the look of her, I could see that she was "lemah lembut" and soft-spoken girl --- any mak mertua's dream. *** over-rated description, I know! *** Anyway, I knew from the look, he was attracted to this girl. We even contemplating to write his number on the napkin and pass to the girl. Somehow our plan did not materialize, he was shy. Even after so much coaxing done by me... he did not do it. So... we finished our lunch and he sent me back to the office. I had wondered whether he ever thought about the girl anymore after that. I guess it was just a passing fancy.

Had he any girlfriend? That I would not know. There are millions of things I do not know about him but he was one of my great friends. I just felt so comfortable with him. Being with him could make you feel so. That was one of the great things about this guy.

Sometimes thinking about him makes me smile and sad all over... sad that I have lost a dear friend and a brother I never had. I could feel the lump in my throat right now. Shedding tears is normal to me when my thoughts are with him.

May Allah bless his soul and may he rest in peace. Amin. Al-fatihah.